Those bastard pirates managed to cure most of the villagers with the ointment. My deepest apologies, sweet Umberlee, for so much of your grey-skinned gift going to waste.
Still, there was one last great ooze was left. And it was the most glorious of them all: the desecrated remains of the vile priest of Valkur. I wish I had been in the streets to see that idiot War Duke Rolanda Stoutvale cutting it to pieces, or to watch the soft-hearted pirate captain sacrifice her own safety to join in cutting it down. I hope you are pleased at the perversion and chaos your corruption has sown.
Stoutvale sowed even more tension by arresting the pirate Bremmer. From what others told me, the regent Torryn Dunne was so conflicted about whether to intervene and risk more chaos that they thought he might start wailing and rending his garments. I confess that I was glad he lived through the disease, for I thought I would get to continue to slowly drive this fragile man mad. Alas, it wasn’t to be.
Captain Efri Hillswind now has Bremmer locked away in the city guard tower with her pet white raven. Sadly, what’s happening in there I’ll never have the chance to learn…
Apparently, these pirate cowards left their captain to rot, though, and went to gorge themselves like gluttons at Castle Redaxe. This is where I first met them, and I confess to never imagining for a moment that they would be my undoing.
My castle guard kept a close eye on them. Three of them went to the library, where the blue-hatted bookworm took particular interest in the book The Heart of Ouruuvil. Only a simpleton could be entertained by the flaccid tales of the long-lost celestial spreading kindness and teaching people to work together and not apart. IF HE ONLY KNEW HOW THE HEART OF OURUUVIL TRULY TASTED OH DEEP ONE I WANT IT AGAIN I WANT IT ONE MORE TIME TO SPEAK WITH YOU AND FEEL YOUR ETERNAL EMPTINESS THROUGH IT
Meanwhile, the goblin/genasi/whatever the fuck was interested in tales of your battles with Valkur and seemed particularly keen on your hatred of copper. There’s a reason the sea turns it such a vile green, is there not?
And the genasi/GODDAMN MOTHERFUCKING MIND FLAYER/whatever the fuck was also interested in your battles. And apparently the Children’s Encyclopedia of Faerun? I wonder what that was about…
Then the human singer took interest in and then possession of the ancient guitar named Openga. I wonder if she’s figured out why it’s always in tune and impervious to aging, water, and other harm? Surely not for she has never had a taste. But her song was truly lovely, I confess.
After their feast, the interlopers finally met the great and glorious king. He took no interest in them, I’m told. As it should be, for they are blind plankton in the bottomless sea of dark truth.
The next morning, I helped them load their payment onto a small boat. One of the uninitiated castle guard, a boy named Darrow, was also along for the ride. I wish now I had dumped them into the sea but I confess my confidence in their weakness proved my undoing. Meanwhile, the useless Lords Alliance soldiers kept watch (barely) on the Firefly as we loaded the 5000 gold onto their boat. The pirates then spoke to that spineless dockmaster Ibra Vandelhorn, who trembles before anyone with a badge or a uniform. Clearly the fools were grasping at straws.
It was then I realized Darrow was missing. The pirates told me he’d gone to the Dragon Turtle Inn, which made me realize they might go there, too. I didn’t want them to find out about the many arguments my men (and your devout worshippers) had with the now-dead priest of Valkur in case they began to put the pieces of our plan together. So I made my way to the bar and its bartender Nibbles, and that’s when everything went wrong.
Darrow wasn’t there, and that stupid Nibbles was so scared and confused I don’t even think he fully understood what I was asking him. Then the pirates burst in and started yammering in goblin with Nibbles. One very bad lie from the blue-hatted arseface and I knew something was up — I put them under arrest, figuring Rolanda would accept any excuse to lock up more pirates. But these pompous maniacs cast magic upon me and rendered me helpless. I underestimated them, and for that I know I shall suffer your eternal wrath, my Queen…
But I did get to blow your horn first, that ancient black seashell that calls your followers to arms. Sadly, I forgot about their shapeshifting abilities. One of them went outside disguised as me and apparently convinced the others that I was in no danger. How did they know the secret call-and-response?
Ar’lyckth dyyril va nothrip (The Queen is never satisfied)
Igan virlo ta’gatho (And thus we must sink deeper)
They tried to question me, and I held firm. The goblin, who seemed to have converted Nibbles to some filthy imposter religion through song and coercion, seemed ready to send me to my death.
But then the mind flayer took me to the bathroom, REVEALED ITS TRUE FACE TO ME, and robbed me of the little bit of sanity I had left. In this last fleeting moments, I can still feel those tentacles on my face…
As my mind left me, I heard them speak of some follower of yours with whom they would consult, of their captured captain and a barbarian friend keeping watch nearby, and of the cave the cave the cave THE CAVE THE CAVE THE CAVE THE CAVE
TAKE ME TO THE CAVE THE CAVE I WANT THE CAVE AGAIN THE CAVE PLEASE THE CAVE THE CAVE AGAIN I WANT ONE MORE TASTE JUST ONE MORE TASTE THE CAVE THE CAVE THE CAVE THE CAVE THE CAVE THE CAVE THE CAVE THE CAVE THE CAVE THE CAVE THE CAVE THE CAVE THE CAVE THE CAVE THE CAVE THE CAVE THE CAVE THE CAVE THE CAVE THE CAVE THE CAVE THE CAVE THE CAVE THE CAVE THE CAVE THE CAVE THE CAVE THE CAVE THE CAVE THE CAVE THE CAVE THE CAVE THE CAVE THE CAVE THE CAVE